No matter what happens,


You're the most important,
you're the dearest to me.
I miss you.


that's all that truly matters.

i just only realised, but, this is my 1701th post.



so happy 1700.

Though not so happy today.
-------------------------------------
I have bad luck with long bus rides home late at night.
the last time it happened wasn't so long ago-
I remembered that it was dark, and I was the only passenger left on the bus.
The bus ride was long and dreary, and the route winding.
Amidst the heartbreak and unbearableness, I did the unforgivable-

I wept. 
quietly.
Had it not been me-
Had it been a protagonist of a novel, or the lead of a play,
perhaps i would have found it moving, even poetic.

But it was me.

I promised myself i would never let it happen to me again.

Yet today i landed myself in a scenario, in such a vulnerable circumstance-
had i not stopped myself at the last minute,
history would have repeated itself.

Stupid.

really stupid.
----------------------------------------
Mel,

You remember the time you told me about how you and lenny fought over rojak?
I think i get it now- i really do.

sometimes it's a small thing,
and guys don't think much of it at all,
what they see of their behave is just the surface,
but it speaks a thousand words, it goes miles and miles.

I know what you mean now.

life is a spectacular thing

I don't know how to put thing in a convincing yet simple manner, but-

I think, sometimes, in life, it's easy to get caught up in the ups and downs, highs and lows; to be bogged down by the small and insignificant things; to forget to appreciate the beauty; to take for granted all things; to lose sight of those important, to forget the words that truly matter; to easily feel like wanting to give up, to be shaken and torn down, to lose your ground-

(but) sometimes we just need to take a step back and see the most amazing thing of all-


that to be alive,

to be breathing, living,
to experience all this greatness beauty and suffering,

that in itself is quite a spectacular thing.

The awkward moment when you just realised that one of your favourite bands changed their name from 'the morning benders' to 'POP ETC' and totally changed the genre/type of music they're playing.

The morning benders,

and
POP ETC

confusion and havoc follows.

------------------------------
I sometimes secretly envy others who live in a lap of luxury;
buy things mindlessly with no care for or concept of money;
date guys just for the sake of going on dates that are paid-for-
being driven around in luxury cars and eating at high end restaurants.




Yes these are not me, this is not me.
These are not the important things in life;
these are not the things that are meaningful or matter.

but sometimes, for split seconds,
just sometimes,

I envy that kind of life/living.
of being taken cared of financially-

In that way, i suppose we all (myself included) have our imperfections.

----------------------------
was talking to a friend and we broached the subject of footing the bill on a date- who pays?

There's the conventional thinking that the guy should always foot the bill as it is only becoming of a gentleman who does so, but i beg to differ.


In fact, I don't believe in these things-
Living in the 21st century, I believe men and women are on equal footing-
there is no logical reason why a man should be responsible for a woman's meals,
and no way a woman should expect a man to pay for her expenses.
In fact, such expectation would even border on being unreasonable.

Yet still, on the other hand,
I can't quite explain the incredibly nice feeling of having your date very generously pay for the bill without flinching or even hesitating to wait  for you to try to snatch the bill over.
It's the feeling of being taken cared of (even if financially) that is so assuring.



It's ironic i know.

they always say time changes things but you actually have to change them yourself

- Andy Warhol

--------------------------------
星期六晚上回家时，告诉了爸妈星期天会去博物馆，爸爸就说，‘很充实很忙很多节目嘛’

我只是笑笑说了‘周末排满满，周一到五就会觉得有期待’





其实我只是怕不忙的话，会想你想到爆炸。

I miss you.

and/but you're busy.

I want to go somewhere, together,

and/but you're busy/can't.



(I'm sure you feel this way at times too)
(and) I know this will happen and yet still when it does

sometimes I find it incredibly hard to reason with myself why

-------------------------------------------
the truth is,


I am a cheerful person.
even when things are way off, and i feel ':('
I still post a status with a ':)' and tell myself to look up.


but still sometimes I can't help but-

There are things about human relationships that are beyond what you could/can imagine-

Since I was young, I had always been looking forward to the day I become an adult-

the day I gain the autonomy and freedom that is truly deserving of myself, as a grown human being.

The day the dynamics between us would change; that I would become elder, more becoming,

that I would be the one caring for, instead of being taken cared of-

But the actual day never came-

In fact, realisation dawned upon me that however old, however 'adult',

I will always be a child in their eyes.

in that way, 

though I care for them, 

things could never be the same. 

--------------------------------------------------------

My dream has always been to go to the airport with nothing but a small packpack of clothes and my passport, to book the cheapest next flight,

and just go wherever it takes me.

crazy it sounds, I know,

but I still think about it sometimes. 

--------------------------------------------------------

Sorry for being thoughtless-

I know you care for me,

you worry,

and it's all good cause;

Sometimes I wonder if you're overwhelmed with frustration,

at how little care I have for conventions, and what is the norm;

and if you think I am over-daring, and too bold for my own good;

(yet) still I dream about doing those wild, daring, bold, spontaneous things.

because we are only young once, right? 

其实大胆鲁莽的人遇到保守小心的人，





是不是有时让双方都觉得是感觉很苦恼的事？

但是偏偏大胆的就只爱保守的，
而保守的又只中意大胆的，

那又该如何迁就取舍拱手未来？
一个值得思考的问题。

I'll be blogging about wanderlust from here on.



Sentimental soppy/ Thought-provoking posts will remain here.

I think since I was born, the biggest kind of frustration I ever commonly encountered was with finding (a) suitable travelling companion(s).

perhaps I have been too irresponsible, or rather, my parents have given me too much free rein?

perhaps it's because I was born a splitting image of my father, the carefree traveller;

I go wherever I please, however I please, with whomever I please.

(though safety is of course top of mind).

Granted not everyone is a carefree spirit, or the kind of perhaps even impulsive traveller I am-

there are people who have certain needs; just won't sleep in anything less than a decent hotel, would want to eat good food, don't really like to travel off the beaten track or take the path less travelled, have concerns with safety of the local area, can't bear to part with their money for travel; the list is endless.

yet still relentlessly, at every single opportunity possible, I hope, I persuade, I cajole, I grin, I bear.

it's just sometimes, the disappointment and frustration at finding a lack of a bold and daring (and free) travel companion is simply overwhelming.

everyone just always has something/someone to answer to:

their boss for work, their parents for safety, their committee for projects, their professor for the dissertation; 

I know I have it all good, or at least people think I do,  

and that not everyone has parents or a job like mine,

but still,

I hope. 

----------------------------------------------

I don't know how to tell you this without sounding like an unreasonable and wilful twat.

The thing is,
since I was born,

I never had to answer or obey to anyone else than my parents,
and they aren't particularly conservative or traditional (much to my relief).
Perhaps in some aspects they are rather old school and authoritative, but never to the point of being authoritarian or controlling. I think they tried, when I was younger, but with my personality, I think our dynamic evolved as it became something more easy and natural, particularly during the phase when I finished schooling and I ended working.

Maybe it's my kind of free-spirited, open-minded, daring personality?
I know my mother always thought i was/am a wilful child.
But they gave me the kind of freedom and space,
that some people don't get, and i'm grateful.


When we first were together,
though I knew getting accustomed and compromising to a different kind of family dynamic would be difficult, i never anticipated it would cause that kind of conflict and sadness in me.
Though i understand the benefits and the rationale behind a different kind of family dynamic, and appreciate a family structure that is large, extended, with a more traditional and conventional kind of dynamic and relationship between elders and the younger family members, it was very difficult for me to become part of it;  kind a form of invisible pressure- because it's just not what i grew up in, or was used to.

I don't know if you know what I mean, or what I'm trying to say,
but sometimes when decisions are made, it takes some time for me to accept them,
and sometimes I need time to accept the disappointment, or to rationalize with myself.

It's not your fault, nor mine,
everyone's family is wonderful.

I just need more time.

I don't know how to put this more eloquently or in a more subtle way to you (in person), while still sounding like a rational, reasonable and understanding girlfriend (which is what I hope I can become)

there are just some women/girls, whom can spend an a night with your boyfriend in the same room, and (yet) let you still feel no sense/streak of worry at all;
whereas there are some women/girls whose slight glance at your boyfriend could become your pool of worry for an entire week.

it's stupid, it's ridiculous, it's embarrassing, 
it's illogical, it's silly, it's unreasonable even,


but to put it bluntly,

the first time we met, just seeing her made me feel worried.
perhaps to you she probably meant nothing-
worth no more than a second glance,
just another friend's girlfriend,
some new person,

but to me,
It made me feel uneasy.

It took me an incredible amount of reasoning with myself, trying to be objective, to be friendly and to show positivity towards her- I don't know if you can understand that?
Perhaps it's because how we met, it's because how everyone so easily accepted her, unlike how everyone of us (some way or another) made conscious effort to break into the group to gain the acceptance of everyone else- it made me feel she had things too easy.
It's because my guts just didn't like her at first sight. The way she quietly observed everyone; it made me feel as if I were prey, waiting to be eaten. I won't deny it- because I'm human and some way or another, we are all subjective and biased in ways, though I try my best to be objective and reasonable most of the time...

Hearing you say you respect her,
it kind of broke my heart-
I know you meant it in an objective way, and to be honest,
I do too, (I respect) the way she's always able to suck it in,
the way she's so patient, to the point of being submissive even.
The way she is, it's so perfect, it's something that's great, that amazing,
but at the same time painfully reminding me of what I particularly lacking in.

I just wanted to say sorry-
if it shocked you; I didn't want you to worry.
It wasn't just you, or your words that hurt me,
The reality of it all, and your words, just kind of woke me,

and it made me feel disappointed in myself, and lack of objectivity.


but hey,

(maybe)
what's wrong with being biased/subjective?
it's what makes us all human,

who's to say whether you should accept, befriend, and love everyone you meet?
surely you can't help if your guts truly despise someone?
as long as you're remaining cordial and friendly,
I suppose that's civil and good enough.

Most of the time, I'm always bouncing to and fro,
between seeing people's weaknesses and saving grace(s),
between trying not to dislike someone to to see people in a good light.

It's difficult, but it's the effort to see what's good in people, that matters, right?
At least that's what I've always believed.

I'm sorry I couldn't live up to be the patient, understanding girlfriend I hoped I could be-
someone like her. 

I know you'd scold me for thinking this, but,
some times I'd use to think foolish and stupid thoughts, like, why didn't you fall in love with someone else?
Someone else, patient, understanding, caring, someone, perhaps, like her, or her, or her?
Just someone else, not me....

but I suppose, as with all people in the world (I believe),
(maybe) I have a saving grace, though unclear to me, but perhaps may be clear to you?
perhaps it is the reason why I can sense the adoration in your gaze,
the reason why I feel your warmth when we embrace?

It's hard to tell you these things in person. 
--------------------------------------------------------------


'I believe, every person, no matter how big or small, how tall or short, how old or young, how pretty or ugly, has his or her saving grace. Sometimes it gets forgotten, or becomes temporarily hidden, but it's existence is eternal and it's persistence true- It's what makes me me, and you, you.' 

i believe that, every single human being is most characterized or marked by a single trait or strong kind of motivation/drive-

it could be the ambition to rise the ranks and do well in work;

the determination to win the heart of the girl of his dreams;

the resolve that he/she is a failure and will continue to be;

the obsession with creation of all things perfect;

the courage to show affection for another;

things like this or that.

for me, though i sometimes indulge myself the luxury of certain bouts of self-pity, envy, or even jealousy, 

most strongly, i believe, i am characterized by my appreciation of life itself.

to be living, to be breathing,

to eat, to sleep, to work;

to run, to swim, to walk;

to learn, to see, to hear;

to live, to breathe,

to love-

and to be loved,

these are the tiny miracles for me, that i find littered throughout my life.

and i am thankful for them. 

what are you characterized by?